Ovarian Cancer Journal

My brother Mike sent me a message of encouragement with a quote from the one of his favorite movies, Galaxy Quest, "Never give up, never surrender!", along with this photo from the movie. He noted that the picture represents the Commander as me and the aliens as the nasty cancer cells in my body. Obviously, it is a fierce struggle, and it does feel that way a lot of the time.

In thinking about my response to his message, I remembered reading an essay in the Spring 2006 issue of Cure magazine about the "Tyranny of positive thinking", by Kathy LaTour. She talked about her fear, 20 years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, that if she allowed herself to feel or express negative emotions, she would be hastening her death from cancer. She went on to say that in the years since, she has met grumpy, irritable, angry people who survived and others who were cheerful and engaged in life who died.

Researchers have shown that women with breast cancer who had psychological counseling had better immune system function than women who did not. However, this has not been shown to make a difference in survival. In other words, it has not been shown that we can hasten or avoid our death by maintaining a certain attitude.

It certainy is understandable that the majority of those with cancer appropriately experience shock, anger, frustration, uncertainty, a feeling of unfairness and irritability at various times. Studies show that being able to express these feelings and having a support system that allows this can reduce the likelihood of anxiety and depression and boost quality of life. It is important that a person with cancer not feel obligated to act more positive or happier than she actually feels.

In LaTour's support group, they agreed that when you receive a diagnosis of cancer, all the feelings that are normal - grief, fear, regret, anger - even if you express them, do not go away. Rather, they are like a cloud hovering overhead. If the cloud is hidden behind, it is easy for us to be positive, but that takes a lot of energy to do, and you run the risk of the rain pouring down on you when you relax your guard. Better to keep the cloud in front where it is visible, and make a conscious choice about how and when to express the feelings it contains so as to have a measure of control.

What this means to me is that some days, I choose to tell people I am having a rough time, or not feeling great, or frustrated with my symptoms - whatever. And some days I can honestly say I am feeling good and optimistic. Whichever kind of a day it is, I will be honest with my loved ones because honesty is important to relationships. It does not mean I am not thinking positively.

Mike is onto something in that a positive attitude plays an important role in quality of life for me, whether or not it prolongs life. To me, a positive attitude does not mean denying reality; nor does it mean that one must believe wholeheartedly that one will survive against all odds. I believe it does require recognizing what is within our control and embracing that, while learning to be comfortable with the fact of death. It is hard - accepting and preparing for the reality that I must leave this world someday, while still fighting to stay alive with whatever means are within my grasp. I may run out of tactics one day, but I will still have choices, and I choose to focus on that as much as I can.
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