Ovarian Cancer Journal

Living by the numbers. That is a reality of life for women with ovarian cancer, as I've learned from my own experience, my support group members and others. Even women who are diagnosed early, stage I, where there is a 90% chance of a cure, live by that number to provide themselves with a sense of security that they can live a normal, cancer-free life. And if they're wise, they continue to monitor their CA125 numbers on a regular basis.

When I meet up with other OC survivors, after the initial greetings, the next topics are: where are you in treatment?, what is your CA125?, how long since your diagnosis?, how many rounds of chemo have you had?, etc.etc. Numbers define how we relate too often.

These are some of my numbers:

• Months since diagnosis -- 14
• Stage at diagnosis -- IIIC
• Types of chemotherapy -- 5
• My last 3 CA125 values -- 579 (most recent), 533, 341
• Surgeries -- 2
• Radiation treatments -- 3
  
• Different supplements I take daily -- about 30.
• Blood counts: (done before each treatment)
• white blood cells: 5,800 (good)
  
• hemoglobin: 11.2 (not so good, necessitating Aranesp shots)
• platelets: 195,000 (OK)
• CT scans since June: 3
• Age at diagnosis: 56
• Age at last birthday: 57

There are other numbers which I have not calculated thus far - for instance, my medical bills since diagnosis, how many miles I've traveled the past year for medical treatment, how many hours I've spent in the doctor's office, radiology, lab and hospitals.

Then there is the number which is always there and not talked about, but that's tough to not think about - how many days (weeks, months, years) do I have left? It's impossible to totally disregard this number, just in terms of trying to make any future plans at all. But, for all of us, it is wise not to assume we have an indefinite amount. The most important thing is to just live, and to be aware of and thankful for that opportunity.

Again, I turn to my current reading experience, Yann Martel's "Life of Pi", for a relevant thought: Pi says "...I survived because I made a point of forgetting. My story started on a calendar day....and ended on a calendar day...but in between there was no calendar. I did not count the days or the weeks or the months. Time is an illusion that only makes us pant. I survived because I forgot even the very notion of time. What I remember are events and encounters and routines, markers that emerged here and there from the ocean of time and imprinted themselves on my memory."

So, I don't feel bad that some days I don't remember all the details of previous days. I do remember the encounters, events and routines (sometimes with the help of my notes in my journal!) I'm learning that this day, this moment is the most important, this is where I will make the difference. It is less important how many days I have had or will have.